Hole hearted...............

am feeling like tht song by Extreme......
feel like a shell of who i was, am trying to get back into daily routine, but...

i look around me and i feel more and more and more and more confused, guilty, wrong.

i am not a good person, i used to think i was, but i look at the people whom i'm hurting, and i know i'm not.

this isnt a good day, despite having done the chores i set out to do at home, am not feeling 100% at all.

i am ranting without rhyme or reason right now.... and my life is exactly the same way... no rhyme, no reason, no music... just an empty shell...

Lucky.... rest in peace

Phone calls that wake u up early in the mornings are never good... mine today was a call to inform me that my horse Lucky had passed away in the middle of the night....

The death of a pet is never easy.... people say he's just an animal blah blah blah....he was sick blah blah blah..fact is.. and this may offend people, but i like the company of animals more than people.... there! i said it...

no.. i am not anti-social, neither am i one of those vegans (there is nothing wrong with being vegan... just stating i am not one...) i just happen to have had a childhood where i grew up with animals around me... and i feel comfortable and at ease with them, i feel like i can be who i really am without being judged, they won't care if i am depressed and just wanna sulk, they don't care if i am in an awesome mood, they are just happy to see me... i don't know if i am puting these in the right words... my mind is kinda in a state of frenzy right now... afterall, how much bad news can a person handle? how much down time can a person cope with before falling into a state of utter depression, i want so much to sit in my pajamas, eat chocolates and stay in bed... but life and visa applications wait for no one... so in the morning, off to the shower, on goes the make up and off i go, forcing that smile, doing stuff, that in the back of my mind seem pointless, cause i think i've reached the state where i don't give 2 fucks about life and all the crap that goes with it.

yes yes... i am angry, i hate that i havent had a piece of good news in ages, i hate the fact that i have to shoulder hurt and pain ALONE, all the bloody time... i mean give me a break already!!! NEWS FLASH : i am not that strong... i am a normal, vulnerable person trying to be strong.

yes yes.. i am venting.. what else can i do... where else can i do it? i'm "strong" remember?

i am gonna miss my Lucky so much... his neighing when he hears my truck pull up... the way he munches apples and sugarcubes non stop, the way he nuzzles me to ask for more snacks, the way he listens when i tell him secrets... he listens...i swear he does...i can see it in his eyes...

he was sick... i bought him so that he could have a nice place to retire and die in peace... and he did just that the past few months on my plantation... but part of me.. still believed in miracles and i thought i'd have a few more years, 2 at least... more to spend with him..

am glad he waited for me to come back before passing... at least now i get to have closure by arranging and deciding his resting place and all that...

Another Suitcase another hall............

am attempting to pack again, have been attempting to do so for like 10days already.
it kinda sucks, having to shoulder this stress of packing, travelling, stressing out... feels like i'm in this alone... i dunno... i don't seem to know anything anymore, and this makes me go cuckoo... i am a control freak... therefore i need to know what's next... and this time... i feel like am going through life blind... which trust me is not good at all...

i wanna spend as much "alone" time with Kewpie as possible before i leave... but life happens... and i gotta accept it. it must be pretty horrible for him, the things he's been through in the past few days... so suck it up Gwen... u're not a kid anymore... ahh the pleasures of youth and ignorance... so sad to leave it behind... growing up sucks!!! ok.. now i sound ridiculously immature... but ask anyone.. its the truth...

better to have loved and lost than never to have loved right? .............

gotta get back to packing... so i can spend the night with my one and only in peace... no more thoughts of excess baggage.. blah blah blah...

crap am gonna miss this tiny place... am even gonna miss the musky smell of ciggarettes...most of all am gonna miss waking up beside the love of my life...

"so what happens now...

another suitcase in another hall...

so what happens now...

take your picture off another wall...

where am i going to... "

it was an unconventional Vanlentine's, we just came out of a horrible weekend, and in the morning, we received some bad news...

but in many ways it was a good day despite the bad stuff... i got to reassure the person i love in his time of need... i got the chance to be there for him when he needed me most... for that i'm thankful...

we didn't have the romantic dinner i was planning, we didn't spend the entire day walking hand in hand, strolling the park...eating chocolates..

but we spent the day together.. so thats enough for me...

there'll be time for the fairytale romantic stuff... life comes first i guess....

i wish i have a few more days to spend here with him... i wish time would stand still.. i wish life was easier, and heartaches are myths... i wish i were a fish... with no long term memory... but...

time to put my feet back down on the ground... time to work hard... and try to make this thing we have work out.... time to come down to earth...

insomnia, the bane of my existence.... tossed and turned all night...

had those weird dreams... the ones where u jump from one dream to another, its tiring.. travelling back and forth, dream to dream, waking then bouncing dream to dream again... i thought it was over, this insomnia problem... when i arrived in france.. but its back...

could it be anxiety over having to go back to Yangon, not really knowing whats in store for the future? that must be it... how nice if i could just stay here, lost in time... in this bubble of love, shopping and the freedom to blog, watch youtube...

damn reality... it really comes and bite u in the ass at the worst times... :(