So Long 2011 and thanks for all the Fish!

another week left of the crappy crappy year i've had.... people say count your blessings...
well.. 2011, hard to think of any positives..
2 horse died...kinda had my heart ripped apart...can't be with the man i am in love with...morale and self confidence in shreds...can't even look into the mirror recently, feeling down and out...'friends' whom i have trusted and loved for years of my life turned out to be... well not so friendly..the list goes on.....
while all this might sound like self-pity, the fact is, it all happened, and i feel like crap over what has happened.. so there.. 2011 YOU SUCK!!


i hate going into the new year all full of uncertainty, i need to be more positive... its hard though, am doing the best i can to hold back the tears and keep the faith.
i hope so much things will turn out better in the coming year... i think i've reached this pivotal point in life, where every move i make will have a drastic impact on me... the thought of this scares me to death, i wake up in cold sweat in the middle of the night..thinking to myself.. what if this is it.. your whole life amounts to this : NOTHING

i miss being held, and being loved and i miss loving and holding on to the person i love.
i just wish things, life could be a little bit easier... i am not asking to be fed with a silver spoon... i just wish there'd be less obstacles...less barriers.

i will head into the New Year with as much optimism as i can muster.
i just hope my heart isn't ripped into shreds all over again... a person can only take so much setbacks in life. and i have had alot....

homesick.....

am home away from home... does that make sense?/
after 2 days of travelling,pondering and stressing, i'm finally beside my precious dogs :)
but apart form the 2 furry furry babies i have... i feel uncomfortable, unfamiliar with my surroundings, a stranger to the people who were once my friends,

conversations are tense and weary.
i have nothing to say to anyone,
all i want to do is curl up in bed till its time to leave again.

i miss him,
i miss the laughter,
i miss the hugs,
i even miss the fights
i miss everything so so much

how do i make time pass faster?
how can i find a solution for us both
i hope and pray all this hurt and pain is not for nothing,
i need to believe again.
believe in the power of love

i feel so alone and in the dark,
i take refuge in the tiny things,
the offline messages,
the short conversations,
i dont know what else to do....

i don't like going to bed at night, uncertain of what's going to happen in the morning.
i don't like looking in the mirror and doubting myself.
i don't like going to airports and boarding planes... wondering when and if i'll ever come back.

they say its hard for those whom we leave, our backs to them at the departure gates...but...
life goes on for those left behind, they go back to their jobs, their friends, their routine.

i don't know what will happen in the next week.
i don't know if i'll still be able to hold it together, not that i'm doing it very well right now anyhow.
please let me get hit by a bus... i can't think of any other way to stop this feeling of anguish, churning inside me,
this helpless feeling. i feel so much, yet nothing at all.
how is that possible?

Separation Anxiety

can't imagine how i am going to live through another few months apart, the last time was torturous and nerve wrecking...
i don't think i'll make it through another time.
i really don't think i will be able to survive another separation, the anguish, the wondering, the insecurities.
no one will ever really understand what i went through.

please let me get hit my a bus tomorrow... please