So Long 2011 and thanks for all the Fish!

another week left of the crappy crappy year i've had.... people say count your blessings...
well.. 2011, hard to think of any positives..
2 horse died...kinda had my heart ripped apart...can't be with the man i am in love with...morale and self confidence in shreds...can't even look into the mirror recently, feeling down and out...'friends' whom i have trusted and loved for years of my life turned out to be... well not so friendly..the list goes on.....
while all this might sound like self-pity, the fact is, it all happened, and i feel like crap over what has happened.. so there.. 2011 YOU SUCK!!


i hate going into the new year all full of uncertainty, i need to be more positive... its hard though, am doing the best i can to hold back the tears and keep the faith.
i hope so much things will turn out better in the coming year... i think i've reached this pivotal point in life, where every move i make will have a drastic impact on me... the thought of this scares me to death, i wake up in cold sweat in the middle of the night..thinking to myself.. what if this is it.. your whole life amounts to this : NOTHING

i miss being held, and being loved and i miss loving and holding on to the person i love.
i just wish things, life could be a little bit easier... i am not asking to be fed with a silver spoon... i just wish there'd be less obstacles...less barriers.

i will head into the New Year with as much optimism as i can muster.
i just hope my heart isn't ripped into shreds all over again... a person can only take so much setbacks in life. and i have had alot....

homesick.....

am home away from home... does that make sense?/
after 2 days of travelling,pondering and stressing, i'm finally beside my precious dogs :)
but apart form the 2 furry furry babies i have... i feel uncomfortable, unfamiliar with my surroundings, a stranger to the people who were once my friends,

conversations are tense and weary.
i have nothing to say to anyone,
all i want to do is curl up in bed till its time to leave again.

i miss him,
i miss the laughter,
i miss the hugs,
i even miss the fights
i miss everything so so much

how do i make time pass faster?
how can i find a solution for us both
i hope and pray all this hurt and pain is not for nothing,
i need to believe again.
believe in the power of love

i feel so alone and in the dark,
i take refuge in the tiny things,
the offline messages,
the short conversations,
i dont know what else to do....

i don't like going to bed at night, uncertain of what's going to happen in the morning.
i don't like looking in the mirror and doubting myself.
i don't like going to airports and boarding planes... wondering when and if i'll ever come back.

they say its hard for those whom we leave, our backs to them at the departure gates...but...
life goes on for those left behind, they go back to their jobs, their friends, their routine.

i don't know what will happen in the next week.
i don't know if i'll still be able to hold it together, not that i'm doing it very well right now anyhow.
please let me get hit by a bus... i can't think of any other way to stop this feeling of anguish, churning inside me,
this helpless feeling. i feel so much, yet nothing at all.
how is that possible?

Separation Anxiety

can't imagine how i am going to live through another few months apart, the last time was torturous and nerve wrecking...
i don't think i'll make it through another time.
i really don't think i will be able to survive another separation, the anguish, the wondering, the insecurities.
no one will ever really understand what i went through.

please let me get hit my a bus tomorrow... please

and the days go on and on and on and on and on......................

days have blended into weeks which has just turned into a month.... i've done nothing of any importance, seen no where new, same old shops, same old streets, same old heartaches, same arguments...everything is the same...no correction, everything is STAGNANT... Stagnant is not good, stagnant means no growth, so what now?

theres a white elephant in the room... we don't talk about her, but i feel here presence, i don't like it, sometimes i wanna runaway,be with myself for a bit, its not easy pretending to be deceived, i don't understand all the deception in the first place... just make a simple choice i am not holding anyone's heart captive, why all the sneaking around? why go through so much trouble to lie.....

exhausted, tired of this emotional limbo, not knowing what is what... who is who to whom... just once, the bare naked truth would be nice. at least it shows my intelligence isnt being under-estimated

what happens now?

it only gets harder....

it only brings on more heartache...

it only crushes you daily...

my love...my liffe... my everything...

Miles away from my 4-legged friends, don't know when i'll ever see them again...

The constant void within, so hard to fill... simple things remind me of them, waking up and not finding Zephyr's furry face beside mine, or watching the telly and pictures of horses come on, and that indescribable feeling of "missing"... a pang that hits the pit of my stomach...

We make choices in life, and hope for the best it works out, that the choices are the right ones, someone told me once, its not worth it if it hurts too much... what about numbness... when everything's a void... this vacuum that was once used to vibrant with life...

Such melancholy... so many tears, and you wonder why... how...

will this void ever be filled?

what happens now?

somedays are good......

somedays are unbearable......

somedays.... i wish i could run.... run far faraway from everyone...

why do i keep doubting myself?

why do i keep thinking i'm not enough?

all i want in life is to be loved as much i love...

i never realized that's such a tall order.

don't try to change him... i keep telling myself,

in time, he will know, he will appreciate all...

am i being naive?

i think so sometimes...

.............spacing out

you know what i really need right now?.... i need to go on a really really long car ride... look out the window,stick the earphones in, block out the world and just space out... let life pass me by while i look out the window...

cos, right now, everything i do feels... i don't know how to describe how i'm feeling...'out of sorts'?

its like i doubt everyone and everything around me... mostly i doubt myself, the decisions i've been making, the path i've chosen for the past 20 years of my life.

............ don't know where i'm headed anymore... how can it be?

♥ ♥ Barca........ ♪ Campeones , Campeones ♪ ole oe oeeeee ♪ Campeones , Campeones ♪ ole oe oeeeee ♪ Campeones , Campeones ♪ ole oe oeeeee ♥ ♥

Finally.something to smile about....

Thank You FC Barcelona.......... who needs prozac when i have u guys!! :)

LOST................

My body is here, i go about daily chores, routine stuff, life like a conveyor belt,monotonous, the days go on and on and on and on...............

My mind, my soul, my heart remains miles away,held by someone i hold so dear,i love so selflessly, but.......why do i feel him, slipping away? i don't know why,but i wake up in the middle of the night, fear gripping hold of me, pure,cold fear, that I'll never be held by the one person i ever loved with so much passion, so hopelessly... the one person who broke down the walls i built... the one person who I've ever been truly happy with.

i can't remember when I've laughed with so much abandon, i cant remember when i felt so safe in any ones arms, i can't remember when i felt alive...then i met him.

"the course of true love never did run smooth" ......... but this is getting ridiculous, we love each other, and we're miles apart, we cant reach each other... and i cant function normally, i don't wanna count the days of our time apart anymore, actually, my days, my nights, my weeks, my months, hours, minutes...have all blended together into one big blur....

i have no idea where i am, what I'm doing, where I'm going........ I've lost direction... and I'm afraid i wont find it until I'm reunited with my compass...

how long can i go on this way? how long can our love stay strong.... i need him, i need to know there is an end to this tunnel I'm crawling through...right now it feels endless. No sign of light... and above all other emotions, it scares me..... it scares the hell out of me. ;((

"hello?? anybody home? "... knocking myselfin the head

time to wake up, it was good while it lasted.... better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.......... right?

no regrets, just overwhelming sadness...

When it rains..it pours...t

so much for optimism, faith, hope and all that crap....

how can things go so wrong in just 24hrs?

am feeling useless, hopeless, all in all good for nothing... i have nothing to offer except words, and when crap is raining down on someone you hold near and dear to your hear, what good are words?

the future feels more bleak with each passing day, if only there was an easy way to just end it all,end all the doubt, the heartache, the pain, the suffering...

alcohol is no longer a viable option, i feel so lost and aimless, feels like am just walking around and round a maze, in the fog... that's how unclear life has become.

i really don't know who i am, what to do or where to go anymore...... LOST is an understatement at this juncture of my so called life...

an attempt .... at Optimism... :)

its Good Friday,and memories of those schooldays come flooding back..like a dam has broken...
reminiscing those care free days,remembering the simplicity of life...they always used to tell us that in school :"girls when you grow up, you'll learn to appreciate everything we're doing for you now"
ahhhhh....it takes me 20yrs to realize the truth of those words...feeling homesick,how i wish i could take that bus ride back to KC, then walk around the school grounds, and sit in the tiny chapel...

Lent, always brings back the songs we used to sing in school and church...and ironically, the one hymn that keeps ringing in my mind...is "I Believe".... just when i've about given up hope on everything, my subconsience is singing "I Believe"... now we know why the title of my Blog is Dazed&Confused... :L

I believe for every drop of rain that falls
A flower grows
I believe that somewhere in the darkest night
A candle glows
I believe for everyone who goes astray, someone will come
To show the way
I believe, I believe

I believe above a storm the smallest prayer
Can still be heard
I believe that someone in the great somewhere
Hears every word

Everytime I hear a new born baby cry,
Or touch a leaf or see the sky
Then I know why, I believe

Everytime I hear a new born baby cry,
Or touch a leaf or see the sky
Then I know why, I believe

The words are beautiful though, and easter brings forth new beginnings and hope right?Maybe i can finally crawl out of the abyss of depression...maybe...just maybe...

who knows?

Dark side of the moon.....................

sometimes, it justs feels as though i'm banging my head against a brick wall. like no matter what i do, how hard i try, there's no way through...

am in a dark dark place right now... "crying' brings sadness?...i wouldnt be crying if i weren't sad right?... i know i know... gotta get the positive energy flowing, gotta be patient, things will work out....but right now i feel like a turtle on his back, no matter how much i struggle i cant get back on my feet.

i feel lost,i feel left out in the cold, i feel alone and i worse of all i feel scared.Before,it kinda felt like cold feet...now when reality slapped in the face... i realized, i cant live without him, i simply cant... the mere thought of not being able to be together, it is tearing into pieces,my heart slowly reaping into shreds....
how can i not cry when the pain is so intense?

for the first time in my life.... i am faced with options, and not being able to take the harder one,just the simple fact is killing slowly bit by bit,everyday.

fuck !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!fucking fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am sick n tired of everything n everyone around me.... Depression?

Officer Crabtree Allo Allo

..........

i hate that you aren't here when i need you.
i hate that i need you more than u need me.
i hate that you were able to let me go away so easily
i hate that i need to let go but i can't
i hate that i know you lied yet i still choose to be blind
i hate that i treasure you more you more than you do me
i hate that you don't realize how much pain i go go through each day for you
i hate that i know one day you'll break my heart, yet i choose to give all of it to you
i hate that i am so fragile and vulnerable when it comes to you
i hate that i am so aware of all the above......... yet i choose to be with you, to give you my life, to give you my soul...
i hate that despite all that hate.... my love for you is far greater,and i couldn't ever live a day without you......

what we've got here is the classic Love/Hate relationship i guess.......

"Love me without fear, trust me without wondering, love me without restrictions, want me without demand, accept me how i am......wrd:D" ........... thanks Terry Grimes for letting me 'steal' this :)

boxing up the years......

how do u pack up 7years of your life into just 2 suitcase? seems like an impossible task..... and i'm not just talking about the hundreds of pairs of shoes,or the boxes of unused Pupa makeup kits,... the framed pictures,do i leave it on the walls? would it hurt less to those i'm leaving behind if i took them off? or would the empty walls hurt more?

how do i leave the memories behind? would it be fair to take them with me if i plan to build a new life with someone else? but how do u erase 7yrs? how can i make it hurt less for everyone involved? i think i've really made a mess of things.....everything all knotted up, entangled in a mess, how long is it going to take to disentangle everything and everyone so life can go on for all of us?

everyone always said life isn't easy,but this is getting bloody ridiculous... i know i know,i brought this all upon myself,but love hits you when you least expect it,how do i ignore that absolute feeling of content and joy by doing simple things like going to the grocery shop, having dinner in front of the tv... i've never felt this way before,never wanted to rush to have a hot meal waiting for someone after he had a long day at work,never wanted to wake up to make someone breakfast........ this is not infatuation, its different,it feels like the real deal.

and to be fair, the other person.....he deserves someone who would want to do things like that for him,he deserves someone who would love him unconditionally,the way he used to love me, before i broke his heart...

i know i am doing the right thing by walking away, while we still both have the chance to build a new life... but its so emotionally draining, just when i think i am all out of tears, they start to flow... no they pour out like crazy.......

i know i need to be strong,go forward and not look back. that's what i plan to do too... but then again,somethings are easier said then done....

really, i just have one thing to say...............
if u wanna send me hate mail or say stuff about me... GET YOUR GRAMMAR RIGHT
:)
thats my vent for the day...
lol

am never ever gonna try n do something nice for him, its not appreciated, and it comes back to haunt me..

screw sentimentality, was never sentimental over a guy,at least i never showed it, so why wear my heart on my sleeve now?

if he cant appreciate the shit i m going thru, then he dosen't need to know how i feel....am gonna throw emotion out the door... and go with practicality.

no more waiting,no more worrying,if its meant to be, its meant to be........

am pissed off, time to wake up i guess. better late then never.

to think i thought it was real....... foolish foolish heart...

................................

everyday.... more confusion.....more chaos within....

to be with or not to be with.. that is the QUESTION

right about now i wish i had a magic crystal ball... to see into the future... frivolous thought? maybe its the painkillers...then again,maybe its just me. :)

...........

If only life was all about candy, cappucinos, carousels , and long evening walks with my Alex...

i try to avoid looking at our pictures so i wont miss him so badly... but it's no use... he is engraved deeply in my heart, mind and soul... there's no escape... love can be so torturous.... yet i wouldnt have it any other way... those days i spent with him, are the happiest days i've had in a long long time.....

i just cant take this missing him so much............. it really sucks..

Hole hearted...............

am feeling like tht song by Extreme......
feel like a shell of who i was, am trying to get back into daily routine, but...

i look around me and i feel more and more and more and more confused, guilty, wrong.

i am not a good person, i used to think i was, but i look at the people whom i'm hurting, and i know i'm not.

this isnt a good day, despite having done the chores i set out to do at home, am not feeling 100% at all.

i am ranting without rhyme or reason right now.... and my life is exactly the same way... no rhyme, no reason, no music... just an empty shell...

Lucky.... rest in peace

Phone calls that wake u up early in the mornings are never good... mine today was a call to inform me that my horse Lucky had passed away in the middle of the night....

The death of a pet is never easy.... people say he's just an animal blah blah blah....he was sick blah blah blah..fact is.. and this may offend people, but i like the company of animals more than people.... there! i said it...

no.. i am not anti-social, neither am i one of those vegans (there is nothing wrong with being vegan... just stating i am not one...) i just happen to have had a childhood where i grew up with animals around me... and i feel comfortable and at ease with them, i feel like i can be who i really am without being judged, they won't care if i am depressed and just wanna sulk, they don't care if i am in an awesome mood, they are just happy to see me... i don't know if i am puting these in the right words... my mind is kinda in a state of frenzy right now... afterall, how much bad news can a person handle? how much down time can a person cope with before falling into a state of utter depression, i want so much to sit in my pajamas, eat chocolates and stay in bed... but life and visa applications wait for no one... so in the morning, off to the shower, on goes the make up and off i go, forcing that smile, doing stuff, that in the back of my mind seem pointless, cause i think i've reached the state where i don't give 2 fucks about life and all the crap that goes with it.

yes yes... i am angry, i hate that i havent had a piece of good news in ages, i hate the fact that i have to shoulder hurt and pain ALONE, all the bloody time... i mean give me a break already!!! NEWS FLASH : i am not that strong... i am a normal, vulnerable person trying to be strong.

yes yes.. i am venting.. what else can i do... where else can i do it? i'm "strong" remember?

i am gonna miss my Lucky so much... his neighing when he hears my truck pull up... the way he munches apples and sugarcubes non stop, the way he nuzzles me to ask for more snacks, the way he listens when i tell him secrets... he listens...i swear he does...i can see it in his eyes...

he was sick... i bought him so that he could have a nice place to retire and die in peace... and he did just that the past few months on my plantation... but part of me.. still believed in miracles and i thought i'd have a few more years, 2 at least... more to spend with him..

am glad he waited for me to come back before passing... at least now i get to have closure by arranging and deciding his resting place and all that...

Another Suitcase another hall............

am attempting to pack again, have been attempting to do so for like 10days already.
it kinda sucks, having to shoulder this stress of packing, travelling, stressing out... feels like i'm in this alone... i dunno... i don't seem to know anything anymore, and this makes me go cuckoo... i am a control freak... therefore i need to know what's next... and this time... i feel like am going through life blind... which trust me is not good at all...

i wanna spend as much "alone" time with Kewpie as possible before i leave... but life happens... and i gotta accept it. it must be pretty horrible for him, the things he's been through in the past few days... so suck it up Gwen... u're not a kid anymore... ahh the pleasures of youth and ignorance... so sad to leave it behind... growing up sucks!!! ok.. now i sound ridiculously immature... but ask anyone.. its the truth...

better to have loved and lost than never to have loved right? .............

gotta get back to packing... so i can spend the night with my one and only in peace... no more thoughts of excess baggage.. blah blah blah...

crap am gonna miss this tiny place... am even gonna miss the musky smell of ciggarettes...most of all am gonna miss waking up beside the love of my life...

"so what happens now...

another suitcase in another hall...

so what happens now...

take your picture off another wall...

where am i going to... "

it was an unconventional Vanlentine's, we just came out of a horrible weekend, and in the morning, we received some bad news...

but in many ways it was a good day despite the bad stuff... i got to reassure the person i love in his time of need... i got the chance to be there for him when he needed me most... for that i'm thankful...

we didn't have the romantic dinner i was planning, we didn't spend the entire day walking hand in hand, strolling the park...eating chocolates..

but we spent the day together.. so thats enough for me...

there'll be time for the fairytale romantic stuff... life comes first i guess....

i wish i have a few more days to spend here with him... i wish time would stand still.. i wish life was easier, and heartaches are myths... i wish i were a fish... with no long term memory... but...

time to put my feet back down on the ground... time to work hard... and try to make this thing we have work out.... time to come down to earth...

insomnia, the bane of my existence.... tossed and turned all night...

had those weird dreams... the ones where u jump from one dream to another, its tiring.. travelling back and forth, dream to dream, waking then bouncing dream to dream again... i thought it was over, this insomnia problem... when i arrived in france.. but its back...

could it be anxiety over having to go back to Yangon, not really knowing whats in store for the future? that must be it... how nice if i could just stay here, lost in time... in this bubble of love, shopping and the freedom to blog, watch youtube...

damn reality... it really comes and bite u in the ass at the worst times... :(