i don't like going to bed at night, uncertain of what's going to happen in the morning.
i don't like looking in the mirror and doubting myself.
i don't like going to airports and boarding planes... wondering when and if i'll ever come back.

they say its hard for those whom we leave, our backs to them at the departure gates...but...
life goes on for those left behind, they go back to their jobs, their friends, their routine.

i don't know what will happen in the next week.
i don't know if i'll still be able to hold it together, not that i'm doing it very well right now anyhow.
please let me get hit by a bus... i can't think of any other way to stop this feeling of anguish, churning inside me,
this helpless feeling. i feel so much, yet nothing at all.
how is that possible?