..........

i hate that you aren't here when i need you.
i hate that i need you more than u need me.
i hate that you were able to let me go away so easily
i hate that i need to let go but i can't
i hate that i know you lied yet i still choose to be blind
i hate that i treasure you more you more than you do me
i hate that you don't realize how much pain i go go through each day for you
i hate that i know one day you'll break my heart, yet i choose to give all of it to you
i hate that i am so fragile and vulnerable when it comes to you
i hate that i am so aware of all the above......... yet i choose to be with you, to give you my life, to give you my soul...
i hate that despite all that hate.... my love for you is far greater,and i couldn't ever live a day without you......

what we've got here is the classic Love/Hate relationship i guess.......

"Love me without fear, trust me without wondering, love me without restrictions, want me without demand, accept me how i am......wrd:D" ........... thanks Terry Grimes for letting me 'steal' this :)

boxing up the years......

how do u pack up 7years of your life into just 2 suitcase? seems like an impossible task..... and i'm not just talking about the hundreds of pairs of shoes,or the boxes of unused Pupa makeup kits,... the framed pictures,do i leave it on the walls? would it hurt less to those i'm leaving behind if i took them off? or would the empty walls hurt more?

how do i leave the memories behind? would it be fair to take them with me if i plan to build a new life with someone else? but how do u erase 7yrs? how can i make it hurt less for everyone involved? i think i've really made a mess of things.....everything all knotted up, entangled in a mess, how long is it going to take to disentangle everything and everyone so life can go on for all of us?

everyone always said life isn't easy,but this is getting bloody ridiculous... i know i know,i brought this all upon myself,but love hits you when you least expect it,how do i ignore that absolute feeling of content and joy by doing simple things like going to the grocery shop, having dinner in front of the tv... i've never felt this way before,never wanted to rush to have a hot meal waiting for someone after he had a long day at work,never wanted to wake up to make someone breakfast........ this is not infatuation, its different,it feels like the real deal.

and to be fair, the other person.....he deserves someone who would want to do things like that for him,he deserves someone who would love him unconditionally,the way he used to love me, before i broke his heart...

i know i am doing the right thing by walking away, while we still both have the chance to build a new life... but its so emotionally draining, just when i think i am all out of tears, they start to flow... no they pour out like crazy.......

i know i need to be strong,go forward and not look back. that's what i plan to do too... but then again,somethings are easier said then done....

really, i just have one thing to say...............
if u wanna send me hate mail or say stuff about me... GET YOUR GRAMMAR RIGHT
:)
thats my vent for the day...
lol

am never ever gonna try n do something nice for him, its not appreciated, and it comes back to haunt me..

screw sentimentality, was never sentimental over a guy,at least i never showed it, so why wear my heart on my sleeve now?

if he cant appreciate the shit i m going thru, then he dosen't need to know how i feel....am gonna throw emotion out the door... and go with practicality.

no more waiting,no more worrying,if its meant to be, its meant to be........

am pissed off, time to wake up i guess. better late then never.

to think i thought it was real....... foolish foolish heart...

................................

everyday.... more confusion.....more chaos within....

to be with or not to be with.. that is the QUESTION

right about now i wish i had a magic crystal ball... to see into the future... frivolous thought? maybe its the painkillers...then again,maybe its just me. :)

...........

If only life was all about candy, cappucinos, carousels , and long evening walks with my Alex...

i try to avoid looking at our pictures so i wont miss him so badly... but it's no use... he is engraved deeply in my heart, mind and soul... there's no escape... love can be so torturous.... yet i wouldnt have it any other way... those days i spent with him, are the happiest days i've had in a long long time.....

i just cant take this missing him so much............. it really sucks..