homesick.....

am home away from home... does that make sense?/
after 2 days of travelling,pondering and stressing, i'm finally beside my precious dogs :)
but apart form the 2 furry furry babies i have... i feel uncomfortable, unfamiliar with my surroundings, a stranger to the people who were once my friends,

conversations are tense and weary.
i have nothing to say to anyone,
all i want to do is curl up in bed till its time to leave again.

i miss him,
i miss the laughter,
i miss the hugs,
i even miss the fights
i miss everything so so much

how do i make time pass faster?
how can i find a solution for us both
i hope and pray all this hurt and pain is not for nothing,
i need to believe again.
believe in the power of love

i feel so alone and in the dark,
i take refuge in the tiny things,
the offline messages,
the short conversations,
i dont know what else to do....

i don't like going to bed at night, uncertain of what's going to happen in the morning.
i don't like looking in the mirror and doubting myself.
i don't like going to airports and boarding planes... wondering when and if i'll ever come back.

they say its hard for those whom we leave, our backs to them at the departure gates...but...
life goes on for those left behind, they go back to their jobs, their friends, their routine.

i don't know what will happen in the next week.
i don't know if i'll still be able to hold it together, not that i'm doing it very well right now anyhow.
please let me get hit by a bus... i can't think of any other way to stop this feeling of anguish, churning inside me,
this helpless feeling. i feel so much, yet nothing at all.
how is that possible?

Separation Anxiety

can't imagine how i am going to live through another few months apart, the last time was torturous and nerve wrecking...
i don't think i'll make it through another time.
i really don't think i will be able to survive another separation, the anguish, the wondering, the insecurities.
no one will ever really understand what i went through.

please let me get hit my a bus tomorrow... please

and the days go on and on and on and on and on......................

days have blended into weeks which has just turned into a month.... i've done nothing of any importance, seen no where new, same old shops, same old streets, same old heartaches, same arguments...everything is the same...no correction, everything is STAGNANT... Stagnant is not good, stagnant means no growth, so what now?

theres a white elephant in the room... we don't talk about her, but i feel here presence, i don't like it, sometimes i wanna runaway,be with myself for a bit, its not easy pretending to be deceived, i don't understand all the deception in the first place... just make a simple choice i am not holding anyone's heart captive, why all the sneaking around? why go through so much trouble to lie.....

exhausted, tired of this emotional limbo, not knowing what is what... who is who to whom... just once, the bare naked truth would be nice. at least it shows my intelligence isnt being under-estimated

what happens now?

it only gets harder....

it only brings on more heartache...

it only crushes you daily...

my love...my liffe... my everything...

Miles away from my 4-legged friends, don't know when i'll ever see them again...

The constant void within, so hard to fill... simple things remind me of them, waking up and not finding Zephyr's furry face beside mine, or watching the telly and pictures of horses come on, and that indescribable feeling of "missing"... a pang that hits the pit of my stomach...

We make choices in life, and hope for the best it works out, that the choices are the right ones, someone told me once, its not worth it if it hurts too much... what about numbness... when everything's a void... this vacuum that was once used to vibrant with life...

Such melancholy... so many tears, and you wonder why... how...

will this void ever be filled?

what happens now?

somedays are good......

somedays are unbearable......

somedays.... i wish i could run.... run far faraway from everyone...

why do i keep doubting myself?

why do i keep thinking i'm not enough?

all i want in life is to be loved as much i love...

i never realized that's such a tall order.

don't try to change him... i keep telling myself,

in time, he will know, he will appreciate all...

am i being naive?

i think so sometimes...