Mugs

Too many mugs around these days -.-

Be my Valentine..... for the rest of my life?

Being alone blows, then u have a day when every one is cuddling,everything in the stores are all pink and fluffy and cuddly, even going to buy dinner was hellish, cos my favorite restaurant(I tot I'd give myself a treat) was full of couples and so I skipped dinner.

Highlight of my day: I turned on my laptop and I had a heart of roses waiting for me on my Facebook wall... Yes yes, ppl would say I am pathetic, but it brought so much joy,and tears too...I'm not all alone after all... Someone loves me, cares enough to leave me a message...

I love you... We are miles apart, and all the days seem so hard, but I know we'll pull through... I hope we will, cos I don't see a future without you.

My brioche, my valentine... I hope and pray you'll always be mine <3

Lost

Emotionally in turmoil... The impending question: will I be whole again?

I am walking around with this hole in my heart, feeling like the shell of who I used to be. Days dragged into weeks, and weeks have turned into months, how much more must I endure?

How much stronger must I be? Because I don't think I am strong... I need my 'wonder wall '.... I need him so much.......

You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

Strength... how strong is strong enough?
if being strong is being able to be apart for an unknown period of time with minimum contact with someone, i am almost certain i cant without then... i dont know if i can strong for much longer...

but i must be... i cannot give up... i must endure, i must keep faith, i must .. i must...

tht will have to be my new mantra... until the time is right for us.
besides, what else can i do?

Hello 2012.... please be kind

so another has passed.. and i am faced with another 366 days... last year was full of hurdles, heartbreaks, and a roller coaster of emotions.truth be told, i can do with a calmer, uneventful year. last year has taken its toll on me, physically and mentally. feels like i've aged by 10 years.

life is difficult, and the world is full of problems, i suppose i shouldn't be whining about mine so much, as they may seem so trivial in the larger scheme of things.
but its overwhelming sometimes, and i can't help it....

i plan to face the coming year with more optimism, try to brush the negativity away,even though it creeps into me at times, sneaking up on me.
no resolutions, most resolutions are not kept anyways... i just gotta try to be the best i can be, smile, and grit my teeth through adversities and soldier on.
after all, life goes on, whether we like it or not... so come what may...

expect the worst, but hope for the best ... i guess :L

So Long 2011 and thanks for all the Fish!

another week left of the crappy crappy year i've had.... people say count your blessings...
well.. 2011, hard to think of any positives..
2 horse died...kinda had my heart ripped apart...can't be with the man i am in love with...morale and self confidence in shreds...can't even look into the mirror recently, feeling down and out...'friends' whom i have trusted and loved for years of my life turned out to be... well not so friendly..the list goes on.....
while all this might sound like self-pity, the fact is, it all happened, and i feel like crap over what has happened.. so there.. 2011 YOU SUCK!!


i hate going into the new year all full of uncertainty, i need to be more positive... its hard though, am doing the best i can to hold back the tears and keep the faith.
i hope so much things will turn out better in the coming year... i think i've reached this pivotal point in life, where every move i make will have a drastic impact on me... the thought of this scares me to death, i wake up in cold sweat in the middle of the night..thinking to myself.. what if this is it.. your whole life amounts to this : NOTHING

i miss being held, and being loved and i miss loving and holding on to the person i love.
i just wish things, life could be a little bit easier... i am not asking to be fed with a silver spoon... i just wish there'd be less obstacles...less barriers.

i will head into the New Year with as much optimism as i can muster.
i just hope my heart isn't ripped into shreds all over again... a person can only take so much setbacks in life. and i have had alot....

homesick.....

am home away from home... does that make sense?/
after 2 days of travelling,pondering and stressing, i'm finally beside my precious dogs :)
but apart form the 2 furry furry babies i have... i feel uncomfortable, unfamiliar with my surroundings, a stranger to the people who were once my friends,

conversations are tense and weary.
i have nothing to say to anyone,
all i want to do is curl up in bed till its time to leave again.

i miss him,
i miss the laughter,
i miss the hugs,
i even miss the fights
i miss everything so so much

how do i make time pass faster?
how can i find a solution for us both
i hope and pray all this hurt and pain is not for nothing,
i need to believe again.
believe in the power of love

i feel so alone and in the dark,
i take refuge in the tiny things,
the offline messages,
the short conversations,
i dont know what else to do....

i don't like going to bed at night, uncertain of what's going to happen in the morning.
i don't like looking in the mirror and doubting myself.
i don't like going to airports and boarding planes... wondering when and if i'll ever come back.

they say its hard for those whom we leave, our backs to them at the departure gates...but...
life goes on for those left behind, they go back to their jobs, their friends, their routine.

i don't know what will happen in the next week.
i don't know if i'll still be able to hold it together, not that i'm doing it very well right now anyhow.
please let me get hit by a bus... i can't think of any other way to stop this feeling of anguish, churning inside me,
this helpless feeling. i feel so much, yet nothing at all.
how is that possible?

Separation Anxiety

can't imagine how i am going to live through another few months apart, the last time was torturous and nerve wrecking...
i don't think i'll make it through another time.
i really don't think i will be able to survive another separation, the anguish, the wondering, the insecurities.
no one will ever really understand what i went through.

please let me get hit my a bus tomorrow... please

and the days go on and on and on and on and on......................

days have blended into weeks which has just turned into a month.... i've done nothing of any importance, seen no where new, same old shops, same old streets, same old heartaches, same arguments...everything is the same...no correction, everything is STAGNANT... Stagnant is not good, stagnant means no growth, so what now?

theres a white elephant in the room... we don't talk about her, but i feel here presence, i don't like it, sometimes i wanna runaway,be with myself for a bit, its not easy pretending to be deceived, i don't understand all the deception in the first place... just make a simple choice i am not holding anyone's heart captive, why all the sneaking around? why go through so much trouble to lie.....

exhausted, tired of this emotional limbo, not knowing what is what... who is who to whom... just once, the bare naked truth would be nice. at least it shows my intelligence isnt being under-estimated

what happens now?

it only gets harder....

it only brings on more heartache...

it only crushes you daily...

my love...my liffe... my everything...

Miles away from my 4-legged friends, don't know when i'll ever see them again...

The constant void within, so hard to fill... simple things remind me of them, waking up and not finding Zephyr's furry face beside mine, or watching the telly and pictures of horses come on, and that indescribable feeling of "missing"... a pang that hits the pit of my stomach...

We make choices in life, and hope for the best it works out, that the choices are the right ones, someone told me once, its not worth it if it hurts too much... what about numbness... when everything's a void... this vacuum that was once used to vibrant with life...

Such melancholy... so many tears, and you wonder why... how...

will this void ever be filled?

what happens now?

somedays are good......

somedays are unbearable......

somedays.... i wish i could run.... run far faraway from everyone...

why do i keep doubting myself?

why do i keep thinking i'm not enough?

all i want in life is to be loved as much i love...

i never realized that's such a tall order.

don't try to change him... i keep telling myself,

in time, he will know, he will appreciate all...

am i being naive?

i think so sometimes...

.............spacing out

you know what i really need right now?.... i need to go on a really really long car ride... look out the window,stick the earphones in, block out the world and just space out... let life pass me by while i look out the window...

cos, right now, everything i do feels... i don't know how to describe how i'm feeling...'out of sorts'?

its like i doubt everyone and everything around me... mostly i doubt myself, the decisions i've been making, the path i've chosen for the past 20 years of my life.

............ don't know where i'm headed anymore... how can it be?

♥ ♥ Barca........ ♪ Campeones , Campeones ♪ ole oe oeeeee ♪ Campeones , Campeones ♪ ole oe oeeeee ♪ Campeones , Campeones ♪ ole oe oeeeee ♥ ♥

Finally.something to smile about....

Thank You FC Barcelona.......... who needs prozac when i have u guys!! :)

LOST................

My body is here, i go about daily chores, routine stuff, life like a conveyor belt,monotonous, the days go on and on and on and on...............

My mind, my soul, my heart remains miles away,held by someone i hold so dear,i love so selflessly, but.......why do i feel him, slipping away? i don't know why,but i wake up in the middle of the night, fear gripping hold of me, pure,cold fear, that I'll never be held by the one person i ever loved with so much passion, so hopelessly... the one person who broke down the walls i built... the one person who I've ever been truly happy with.

i can't remember when I've laughed with so much abandon, i cant remember when i felt so safe in any ones arms, i can't remember when i felt alive...then i met him.

"the course of true love never did run smooth" ......... but this is getting ridiculous, we love each other, and we're miles apart, we cant reach each other... and i cant function normally, i don't wanna count the days of our time apart anymore, actually, my days, my nights, my weeks, my months, hours, minutes...have all blended together into one big blur....

i have no idea where i am, what I'm doing, where I'm going........ I've lost direction... and I'm afraid i wont find it until I'm reunited with my compass...

how long can i go on this way? how long can our love stay strong.... i need him, i need to know there is an end to this tunnel I'm crawling through...right now it feels endless. No sign of light... and above all other emotions, it scares me..... it scares the hell out of me. ;((

"hello?? anybody home? "... knocking myselfin the head

time to wake up, it was good while it lasted.... better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.......... right?

no regrets, just overwhelming sadness...

When it rains..it pours...t

so much for optimism, faith, hope and all that crap....

how can things go so wrong in just 24hrs?

am feeling useless, hopeless, all in all good for nothing... i have nothing to offer except words, and when crap is raining down on someone you hold near and dear to your hear, what good are words?

the future feels more bleak with each passing day, if only there was an easy way to just end it all,end all the doubt, the heartache, the pain, the suffering...

alcohol is no longer a viable option, i feel so lost and aimless, feels like am just walking around and round a maze, in the fog... that's how unclear life has become.

i really don't know who i am, what to do or where to go anymore...... LOST is an understatement at this juncture of my so called life...

an attempt .... at Optimism... :)

its Good Friday,and memories of those schooldays come flooding back..like a dam has broken...
reminiscing those care free days,remembering the simplicity of life...they always used to tell us that in school :"girls when you grow up, you'll learn to appreciate everything we're doing for you now"
ahhhhh....it takes me 20yrs to realize the truth of those words...feeling homesick,how i wish i could take that bus ride back to KC, then walk around the school grounds, and sit in the tiny chapel...

Lent, always brings back the songs we used to sing in school and church...and ironically, the one hymn that keeps ringing in my mind...is "I Believe".... just when i've about given up hope on everything, my subconsience is singing "I Believe"... now we know why the title of my Blog is Dazed&Confused... :L

I believe for every drop of rain that falls
A flower grows
I believe that somewhere in the darkest night
A candle glows
I believe for everyone who goes astray, someone will come
To show the way
I believe, I believe

I believe above a storm the smallest prayer
Can still be heard
I believe that someone in the great somewhere
Hears every word

Everytime I hear a new born baby cry,
Or touch a leaf or see the sky
Then I know why, I believe

Everytime I hear a new born baby cry,
Or touch a leaf or see the sky
Then I know why, I believe

The words are beautiful though, and easter brings forth new beginnings and hope right?Maybe i can finally crawl out of the abyss of depression...maybe...just maybe...

who knows?

Dark side of the moon.....................

sometimes, it justs feels as though i'm banging my head against a brick wall. like no matter what i do, how hard i try, there's no way through...

am in a dark dark place right now... "crying' brings sadness?...i wouldnt be crying if i weren't sad right?... i know i know... gotta get the positive energy flowing, gotta be patient, things will work out....but right now i feel like a turtle on his back, no matter how much i struggle i cant get back on my feet.

i feel lost,i feel left out in the cold, i feel alone and i worse of all i feel scared.Before,it kinda felt like cold feet...now when reality slapped in the face... i realized, i cant live without him, i simply cant... the mere thought of not being able to be together, it is tearing into pieces,my heart slowly reaping into shreds....
how can i not cry when the pain is so intense?

for the first time in my life.... i am faced with options, and not being able to take the harder one,just the simple fact is killing slowly bit by bit,everyday.